There haven't been many times I have heard God speak in my life. There was a time when I was 16 and Paul tried to tell me God speaks to him and I sat there stunned with the impossibility of the concept. How 12 years of being in a relationship with God changes you! There have been times since then that I've begged God to speak, but either I didn't listen or he wanted me to shut up and stop asking. This time though, I truly believe he is speaking to me. I'm doing what I can to ensure I'm not making a hasty decision about leaving work, but I do still hear God saying, come follow me, trust me. If you listen and obey what I am asking of you to sacrifice, all of your worries will be just that, because it is I who give and take and change, not you.
I hope that I am doing the right thing by trying to ensure that I'm not just being a normal new mom struggling with leaving her baby. I'm giving this part time stay at home mom, part time working mom gig a few weeks before throwing in the towel at work and doing what I believe God placed on my heart at 6:18 pm on Oct 11, 2011. Yes, one minute after Sam was born I heard him call me and convict my heart. I've never felt anything so certain in my life. In the weeks and months that have followed Sam's birth, the nagging pain in my chest has not gotten any better. I catch myself crying about my decision to leave my baby for the office. I've asked over and over again of new moms if this was normal, or if it is postpartum depression manifesting itself in one wicked arena of my brain. My whole life I thought I would be a working mom. How could 29 years (23 if we account for the first 6 years of my life) of certainty go away in a minute? All the other moms assured me I was normal and things would get better.
I'm fortunate to have the best boss. I've been working in a corporate office almost 10 years and have had so many bosses. Some have been great, some have been sent straight from Satan's door. None have ever been as compassionate, helpful and generally awesome as mine now. This makes my decision to potentially leave work very hard on me. He was completely understanding when I told him a week before my scheduled return to work about how bad I felt about leaving Sam. He offered me my job part time. Every mothers dream. I was ecstatic, I praised God, cried for his awesomeness in my life, for the gift of my wonderful boss, for the ability to take pressure off of my spouse to be the sole provider for our family. So then, why am I still struggling with leaving my baby. He isn't going to daycare, he is going to be with his grandmother who loves him! Why?!
As predicted, my first day back was awful. I heard that the dread of the day was worse than the actual day, but honestly the day sucked. My first stop after the bathroom stall for a cry fest was to see my work best friend. His smile and hug was enough to send me back into tears. I loved that he missed me and was so happy I was back, but even though I had missed him for three months, I missed my baby who I'd just left an hour before more. He understood and laughed at me. He has two babies at home too which he and his wife hate leaving as well. I confided in him that I was mere moments from handing in my resignation and he sat me down, stopped laughing at me and told me to shut up and to not make any hasty decisions. He was/is right and for his wisdom and friendship I am grateful. I'm glad I am getting the opportunity to ensure I am making the right decision. I need this time to make sure I am going to be ok changing my life plan and following God's plan. Stupid thought right. God's plan > My plan, I know this but yet I'm still too human and stubborn to just do.
Day two was far better than day one. My makeup at least stayed on and I didn't cry until I got home and finally had my baby in my arms. It was easier on day one knowing Sam was with his Dad. Day two Sam was with his grandma which I guess is second best, but it didn't go well. He slept only 40 minutes all day and when I got home things were not as I would have wanted them to be. I missed him, and knowing that he was crying instead of being his normal happy self made it horrible for me to be at work and even worse to be stuck on 66 with all the other dingbat drivers trying to get home (I heard new moms are worse behind the wheel than drunk drivers, I believe it).
As I sat at work on day two, I decided that I would actually read a blog aside from my two favorites. How serendipitous that it was a post so similar to the one I'm writing. The now stay at home mom, summed up my thoughts perfectly. She says, as women we are trained to believe that in the 21st century we can do whatever we want, but that should include work, babies, marriage, everything. What if what we want is to be at home with our babies and that is it. Why should we not be able to do that without mommy guilt too?
Here is her post, "I don't want it all". I couldn't agree more with what she said. Just like her I went to college, worked hard, I've done everything aside from going to law school or getting my MBA to ensure I can do whatever I want in my life (career, marriage, mother). I thought I would want to do all three and I know I can, but somehow I am reminded once again that if you want to make God laugh, make plans.
So, in a few short weeks I'll get you an update. I have in the back of my mind that working moms are better balanced, but we shall see. My baby is only 14.5 weeks old once, then 25.2 weeks old once, one year old once. I want to be the one with him when he looks up after doing something for the first time with eyes so big wanting to say "WHOA Mama, did you see what I just did!" Yes son, I did and Mama is so very proud of you, lets do it again!
To all those Moms who came across this first day back at work, how did you do? Did you change your mind about going back if you were able to financially?
