Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What Does?

I'm interrupting my normal happy shopping tips because quite frankly I'm just not in the mood.  Crazy since this is such a fun time to shop.  One of my favorite things to do is go out when all the stores are open till midnight.

What Does it feel like to be punched in the gut?  Over and Over and Over again??

So, ever been punched in the gut so hard you are speechless?  I haven't, but I have been told that my 29 year old husband has cancer.  I assume they feel pretty much the same.  Both suck, both make you say WTF, is this really happening to me?  I'm so sick of all this shit happening to me I really can't take it anymore.  I want the pain in my gut to go away and I want to put this whole piece of crap situation behind me and Paul.  Hopefully I won't get the 1-2 punch tomorrow when we go back for his follow up exam.  We go tomorrow to make sure everything went well with his operation and that no other problems were found in the extracted piece of colon and lymphnodes. 

What does it feel like to be punched in the stomach twice in a week?  Well that feels like finding out your high school sweetheart turned spouse has cancer the same day you find out you are finally pregnant after 7 months of trying to conceive.  First the Dr. tells you no you aren't pregnant, then they tell you to relax because of course women who relax are fertile myrtles, you even try to explain that you aren't stressed about getting pregnant, you are stressed because your husband has cancer.  The nurse cries and hugs you then leaves you.  Then after they have left you wallowing in your sorrow for 10 minutes, they come back to tell you oh never mind, my bad, you are pregnant.  Then you ball because you can't believe God loves you so much that he gave you what you had been praying for, and hoping for, for more years than you want to count.  How exciting, that we will hear our babies heart beat on my birthday, an awesome coincidence by the scheduler at the Dr.'s office.  We can tell our family the way we wanted to during Christmas, we can finally celebrate with my husbands siblings who are pregnant.  So, why did I get punched in the stomach twice?  Well because the day after your favorite drinking night of the year (our annual Christmas party), a day I didn't drink my special mimitini's because I was finally with a bambino, I miscarried.  SERIOUSLY WTF!  No baby and this isn't really that funny, but no fucking martini's either.  This precious baby, was supposed to be what got us through the first stomach punch.  Our little Noah or Addison, isn't going to happen for us anytime soon.  So now what?!

Well, what does it feel like to be punched in the stomach three times?  Well that would be getting the results of your husbands Semen Analysis that you had taken in case he needed to have chemo, and being told that it's not looking good but since you are young and conceived somehow miraculously on your own that you should try until you are ready to do IVF/ICSI, IUI isn't an option for you.  Bank Account = major panic attack, there are no coupons or guarantees for this.  Seriously?!!! WTF!! Why oh why is this shit happening?  2011 CAN NOT come soon enough.  Please God let 2011 just be a happy year of health and prosperity.  No more death, no more cancer, no more bad news. 

Please pray that tomorrow won't be the 1-2-3 4th punch.  It would be a wonderful birthday present to find out my husband is cancer free.  I can already feel the grey hairs quadrupling on my head from all this stress.  Maybe I should just go to the OB/GYN so they can tell me to relax again.  Throat punching them will feel great.


Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. I am sorry to hear all of this! I wanted to send you good thoughts. I am finishing treatment for cancer (age 27- saliva gland cancer) and we are thinking about TTC- we were prior to cancer diagnosis, just trying to figure out when to start trying again. My thoughts go out to you! 2011 has to be better! I hope you get some of your martinis!

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